Call For A Situation
by Doublebend
Summary: Alphonse confronts his brother about his relationship with Roy. Oneshot.


This is just something I found on my computer the other day when clearing some things up before I move houses. It's been a while since the last time the remnants of writer's block is washed away after a good long break from stress and worry, carrying me with it, so I'm relatively pleased with the way this five months old oneshot turned out.

Yea. I'm feeling poetic today.

**Disclaimer: **It's the horrific word that strips me of my rights and desires as a human with base needs. Well, I wouldn't want credit for any manga that pairs the hot guy with a hot girl _at the very last minute _(yes, thank you Winry), and not with the other hot guy the majority of yaoi fans seems to have shipped.

I hope you like this, because five months of neglect can make a oneshot very sad, and it needs the love.

* * *

The situation, no matter how dire, still managed to seem rather funny to Alphonse.

He sat with his hands resting on the arm of the chair _(the big, cushy and slightly antique looking one, which his brother was quite protective about – if feral glares and guttural snarls was categorized as simply "protective" – and refused to share with anybody, so in any other day his sitting with his ass on plumped cushions was what could be deemed a miracle)_, relaxed and patient, much like a psychologist dealing with a depressed, suicidal, unstable, miserable, hormonal teenager just waiting for the last blow to be dealt on his poorly deflated ego. Fortunately Ed, although usually tagged as the resident guilt whore prone to hitting himself repeatedly on the head with a bat embroidered with protruding steel nails, was not the above listed fragile soul this one time in his life. Instead, he was sitting in the other, smaller and decidedly harder chair opposite of Al, all jittery and uneasy, with his fingers doing a very interesting tap dance on his knees. Al was impressed that Ed could be so flexible with his digits even in such a panicked state _(or perhaps because of it)_. But what amused him most was how _docile _his otherwise arrogant, brash and petulant elder brother was at the moment, as his swinging fingers freezing at every motion Al made, and the rest of his body seemed to seize up, as though he was expecting some kind of explosion if even one wrong wire was crossed.

Alphonse, in an experimental mood, shifted his arm.

Edward jumped.

Alphonse raised his slipper clad foot, studying toenails hidden under the wool of his sock.

Ed's eyes went wide like a deer caught in golden headlights.

Alphonse wondered if there was some way he could make his dear, beloved, only member of his treasured family, scream like a girl without raising a finger.

"Well," he started loudly, deciding that this was enough of the game _(it was fun while it lasted, but he knew he'd have to move it on)_. "I wish I could be all accepting and blessing like I know you wanted me to be, but regrettably there are some things I'm concerned about we need to clear away first."

Ed gave a small squeak, let his hands abandon the frantic boogieing and started wringing them.

"Al, I know you're probably mad at me for hiding this for so long," he babbled almost incoherently. "And you have every right to, seeing as you're my only brother, my _dear _little brother who cooks such nice delicacies for us when you're around, and bring us such thoughtful gifts from your trips, and was supposed to be visiting Winry and Granny Pinako around this time of the year…Anyway, I know I should have probably hinted at it at some point, seeing as we talk to each other on the phone every other day. I'm sorry, alright, you weren't supposed to find out like this, me and Roy were planning something... alright, we weren't quite certain how to break it to you but we were hatching _something _for you when we saw you the next spring!"

Al opened his mouth as if to say something.

"_No_, please don't hurt me!" his elder brother shrieked as he flung his arms up to shield his head.

Al closed his mouth and surveyed his brother with _immense _amusement.

"While I admit I was absolutely _mortified _at the sight of you two making out and groping in the kitchen," he started pleasantly, enjoying the view of Ed jumping about a foot off his seat and flail around a bit. "I cannot say that I don't understand the difficulties of cracking the news of a relationship to even a close relative who is constantly on the move. Especially if it's a relationship with another man."

Ed blushed, and looked a little relieved at this. However, Al was far from letting him get away.

"I am a little hurt, however," he sighed heavily, feigning disappointment, "That you chose to hide this for quite a long time, I assume, seeing as how the relationship seems to be progressing." Here he gave Ed _the look_, the one with the tears and the sparkles and kittens mewling in the background, enough to bestow grief and guilt onto those unfortunate enough to receive the brunt of it. Ed shriveled. "You are lucky, though," he announced in his superior, "His Majesty shall forgive you, worthless runt" voice, "That I do have some blame on myself. I mean," he continued when the wilting Ed raised his head from between his knees in confusion, "The signs were really all there if I had put any effort to search for them. You couldn't possibly stay this long as a freeloader in the General's house for your job in Central, not even if you couldn't be bothered to find an apartment for yourself, nor even if you could be trusted to live alone without reducing the neighbourhood and the people who happened to be walking on the sidewalk to dust."

Ed held his tongue.

"And at least I can now digress accurately that the thumping noises heard at night were that of a headboard banging against the wall, and not because you have some stray heavy material tangled on a tile up on the roof being mercilessly tossed about on the wind," Al said, then sipped his tea as Ed spat out his. "But really, these aren't the reasons I called you here, Edward."

Ed wiped his mouth on his sleeve. "They…they aren't?" he croaked hoarsely.

"Oh, no," Al said lightly. "I am merely curious, like any good brother, or at least the only living remainder of your blood relatives, should be when one should engage in frequent sex." _(The carpet some five meters directly to the right of his brother was going to have some pretty tea stains later, Al thought privately)_. "No, I just wonder, if you and the General are cautious enough to use protection during the act of it?"

Ed;s scream could be heard a good ten blocks down. _"WHAT!"_

"Although, from the absence of discarded condoms, I would say not much, if at all," Al concluded serenely, taking no notice of the frothing blonde halfway out of his chair in front of him. "That makes it that much simpler that I didn't find out about this earlier. You know, I'm not saying that the General has germs or anything," he stated conversationally as he crossed his legs. "But really, brother, you always have to be on the safe side. Whereas the chance that either of you may be infected, or that something in you could be a little…off, after all those multiple trips to the gate, you understand, are slim to none, it's rather practical to use _something_ when making love becomes a daily basis. It's may be a tad uncomfortable and constricting, but it's quicker for release and easier to clean later. Brother? Are you listening?"

Ed had set his almost empty cup down on the coffee table, automail fingers trembling, and after a few pacing steps on his side of the living room, he pointed that same, shaky, uncontrollably waving metal index finger at his younger brother sitting calmly on the big chair. "N-no," he started, then seemed to grit his teeth before starting again, "No y-younger brother of m-m-mine is going to lecture me o-on p-p-p-protection!" he half-squeaked. "I will not engage in such t-t-talk with my baby brother!"

"Oh please," Al scoffed. "I may not get laid in as many compromising situations and frequency as you do, but that's not to say I'm inexperienced. No, I'd say I at least know how to work safe sex more than you, seeing as all of my partners have been female."

As Ed spluttered ineligibly while doing some impressive windmilling with both automail and flesh limbs, Roy walked in holding a tin of ginger snaps.

"Oh, hello, General," Al smiled charmingly with a nod of thanks at a pro-offered tin of cookies, "Me and Brother are just about done here, sorry for taking your time."

"It's no problem," Roy replied. "He had this coming for a while, anyway. I kept telling him he should let you in, but then he always changes the subject like a frightened rabbit which can talk."

"I apologize for Ed's stubbornness, then," Al said agreeably. "He must be a handful, you have to have the patience of a Xingian monk to work with him. While we're on the subject, do you think you can tone him down sometimes at night? It never was quite easy to get some sleep with all the thumping going on. Before it was because I was worried something on the roof could bring the house down, but now I suppose I'll find it harder for different reasons. You know, I think the only time there _were _no things that went bump at night was yesterday, after I first spotted you."

The General caught Ed's liquid molten eyes begging him to have mercy during this, and decided to finally take pity.

"Ah, about that, Alphonse," he said easily, screwing the tin lid on again, "That chair you're sitting on right now? Me and Ed spent most of last night occupying it." He added a wink for emphasis.

There was a moment's deafening silence during which Alphonse's brain cells suffered the intricate process of allocating the "freak out" portion of his brain _(which he really, really hadn't been expecting to use during any part of the discussion)_ and his resounding "EWWWWWWWWW!" reverberated down the hallway as he dashed for a toilet brush or some other device to scrub his butt off with. Edward flopped, having taken enough damage to his head and ego for the next fifty years, onto the hard chair, where he stayed a lifeless rag doll until Roy came over and pecked his nose.

"Vengeance for your lover sure is a sweet thing, Edward," he murmured as Ed finally shut down and his eyelids fluttered close, stroking the blonde bangs out of the way of his forehead as they listened to the sound of running water and grossed out little brother cries from upstairs.

***~*Omake*~***

"So how long exactly were you and the General together?" Al asked sweetly, once again taking up property on the big, cushy and slightly antique looking chair his brother was – usually – so protective about _(but not without a sheet of plastic draped over it)_. Really, only about a couple of years should be the most, Al mused, any more and his intelligence would be terribly insulted. Not to mention his pride and position as the supportive and perspective younger brother would be severely injured.

"Uhh," Ed squinted, as though it would help him remember. "Let's see… we first went out when I was fifteen, so that would make it about…eight years?"

"…"

"…Al?"

"…urk."

"Urk?"

"URKSHGFHKAI#(RJB$*(G#VCAKLAIDHB#$*&%$)CAKJVBUGDGUCL$)(UV)29LAUI HCGAYGC ACNKAHD?EQUI^#QI*HBFDC!"

Roy, who was about to enter the room with a tin of ginger snaps in hand, promptly turned on his heels and walked out, figuring that vengeance for his lover had long since been paid.


End file.
